Velmanator
America The Beautiful

Dear U.S.A, I’m starving. I can not live off processed food because I am alergic to it. Please start making fresh food more affordable or recognize that the tiny amount of unemployment is not enough to provide food for two adults and two cats. If this is too much to ask please provide more jobs. Thank You. Although I know America, you don’t really care.

Scored high on the Androgyny spectrum

I just don’t fit in to a social network of friends or peers. 

It’s ok, I can’t really seem to change it nor am I comfortable trying to pretend so it’s back to point one again and that’s starting at no where.

I had dream about you again Nana.  I think for some reason our souls are connected or your spirit feels comfortable with my spirit because you keep reaching out to me.  This is the second one I’ve had where I woke knowing before I was told.  I had to beg you to hug me and I kept apologizing over and over again pleading that I was on your side. I’ve been advocating for you and your rights.  I understand you the most and I need to stand by you like you stood by me.  You started out angry and then came the painful sadness.  We were being separated again, pulled apart and both going in different directions.  I told you that I loved you and things would be alright… eventually… hopefully.  I would see you again soon. And hands and arms turned you around and out of my grasps.  Nana just so you know I told my Mom to get you out of there A.S.A.P. I told my Mom about the dream but not the details.  I know your spirit is fighting and that’s good, please keep fighting.  It’s important that you do.  Your children are now forcing upon you what was forced upon me as a teenager.  How ironic.  My Mom assures me that she feels the same way and they want you out now but she’s also trying to justify the actions.  I just disagree.  But I am aware of my position as the granddaughter and I have removed myself from the situation.  I still love you.

I haven’t loved you for 2 days

I would like to return my husband please, he seems to be broken.

& I’m a prisoner to his irregular sleeping habits. Again.

I want to say ‘Please Please Please finish school and get a degree.  Please Please Please get a job and do something during the day besides sleep. Please Please Please help to support me.’

It’s my fault for giving up my car temporarily and allowing myself to relay on him for pretty much everything.  I really have to force myself to start calling dial-a-ride/find buses/get a bike so that at least I can be out & about during the day.  But what a delay it is to not be able to clean the bedroom, do laundry, wash my bedding because he refuses to get up or do anything worthwhile with himself at all except between the hours of 7pm until 5am.  I think he prefers these hours because sometimes I am asleep and he can do whatever he wants to do… look at porn, draw, listen to music, not do his homework for the one class he is taking. 

But maybe my anger is getting the best of me.  I was just hoping due to the past two years of burning myself out, that I could have a wonderful year of unemployment to myself.  But no, I’m sharing it and sitting in a room with out lights & it’s not helping anyone be productive.  We do not even participate in fun activities together being both jobless because well he’s asleep. 

I just helped free up hard drive space on the computer and while going over the past year of 2010 photos I feel as if three years has past since then.  2009 was the year of the wedding and then 2010.  We moved back in with my Mom in April,  I went to Philadelphia in July, My grandfather died in August the day after my birthday, went to a lame wedding, Another baby was born to some in-laws, we cared for a mentally delayed toddler, we helped people move, there was an earthquake Easter Sunday, Halloween was lame, Had our 1 year wedding anniversary, My grandma was in and out of the hospital, Christmas…

And now enters 2011: Jobless, caring for my grandma.  And still the months are moving but I feel as if I’m standing still.  Really time seemed to stop with my Grandfather.  I think if my Grandma was in better mental health things would have picked up moving again but pieces of her died along with him.  I’m doing my best to help everyone adjust because this has always been my role while simultaneously putting my life on hold and dealing with a husband who chooses to have severe Narcoleptic denial.  

Considering All Things Disabled

One day I will finish writing in that dollar notebook I bought in Hemet and I will continue with the story I began at the beginning.  But it might be hard to write objectively from hindsight.

What I would really like though is some type of a push in the right direction because life is dragging on and on here.  There isn’t a clear indication that life will be getting better or resolved or have a purpose.  But maybe the answer is there isn’t one.

Especially if the world ends on May 21 2011. 

Favorite

Hand painted (tinted) B&W photograph of flower girls in the 1920s.

No Job = Freedom

This is normally too revealing since I wish to remain anonymous as much as possible but what the hell. 

Dawn, Welcome Back.  It’s been awhile since you’ve been this happy.

& Hello unemployment, you are a real bitch.  But Happiness is out weighing being broke & practically destitute.  I’m finding an old me that has been lost for quite awhile & I don’t want to lose this person again.  I have been jobless for almost two months now & I am loving everything about it.  I only have $47 dollars in my bank account & yes that is worrisome.  But I am totally free of working a job I hated where I was treated like crap & made to feel like I was talentless.  I am free.

Resolution

January, You are a boring month already.

The guy I share my closet with is asleep at his table in front of his computer. He has also almost eaten a whole tin of those Danish sugar cookies. He just woke up so now I feel guilty because he could look over his shoulder & see me writing this about him.

I’ve decided to change careers & I’m going back to school. I began the process to collect my transcripts so go me. New Years resolution step 1.

I’ve also been communicating with my sister more and we are setting up a time this week to talk about our feelings. New Years resolution step 2

I have to tell her why I have been angry with her secretly for the past 5 years & why it’s really come to a boiling point since my wedding. After it’s out in the open things can only get better right… I realized that after all the work & drama I had an amazing wedding. Like better than I could have dreamed so I need to only remember that & not the crappy stuff.

Yesterday I told her that Behavioral medication is like band-aids, they just kind of cover up the problems and therapy is like the anti-septic it actually works to help you heal yourself. You can put a band-aid over a wound but there’s a chance it could get more infected, you need the anti-septic. Both are kind of useless with out the other.

I love making up analogies in my head. I also love to use old people words and sayings. Sometimes my old person speech is just in my head & I hesitate to let it out of my mouth.

3rd Week In December

& The last week before a two week forced vacation.

I’ve been enjoying looking at my cat mesmerized by Christmas tree lights at work.

It was her first Christmas & I made this card for her… well more for myself.

I got a few things to say today & they are not at all positive.

First, the guy that shares my closet office, which was my space first, only talks to me to brag. He just finished telling me about downloading Adobe Illustrator 6 & how it works so he won’t have to pay for it. Great. Then he told me that he went on a spending spree over the weekend & bought a new flat screen TV, another Playstation 3 & a gift for his brother’s b-day. He had to talk himself out of buying a new camera & he saved money & only spent $800. Great. I get so annoyed by him sometimes. He is short & resembles an over inflated round ball rolling slowly when he moves. Maybe more like a blimp. Ok, Ok, He Waddles. He’s just slow & he talks slow so he slowly tells me about spending $800 this weekend and working all day on Saturday. It draws out the suffering of my brain. If we were friends I would be happy that he bought himself a TV & stupid Playstation but he only tells me to brag & to prove that he is a ‘valued’ employee now that he has been getting tons of overtime. My paycheck is like peanuts I’m sure compared to his & my position has been completely repressed in comparison to where it was two years ago. I just hate my job now because of all the over-inflated male ego’s I have to deal with.

There was a party on Friday for the lab’s owner. I did thank him for my job in a video shot secretly a few weeks ago, but I did not go to the party, even though I was suppose to bring a pie. I called out sick & it was true, I was sick. But I also chose to spend the day with my husband, our developmentally delayed nephew, & his sister who was visiting from Austin Texas. It was my understanding that my sister-in-law & I would be going to an art museum together & hang out doing fun stuff but instead she wanted to stay with the nephew all day until his Mom came home. That was all totally understandable, I mean she never sees him because she lives in Texas & I see him all the time so I’m pretty much over the limited amount of tricks he can do. I kind of wish I had gone to the party because it sounds like it was during work hours & everyone got really drunk.

The past weekend was spent feeling sick & hanging with my in-laws. My In-Laws always make me feel like a complete idiot or maybe it’s just my husband for never allowing me to speak in a complete sentence. They don’t just hang out to be happy, they hang out to try to top each other’s ‘intelligence’. And then there’s the developmentally delayed almost 2 year old who is very possibly autistic. The parent’s are ‘Intelligent’ people though who could never have a learning disabled son so let’s just pretend that all his problems must mean that he’s ‘gifted’. I was forced to be around some of the worst parenting this weekend & I am glad that it’s over.

vicemag:

According to the internet, Kesha (sorry guys, I really can’t bring myself to write it with a dollar sign) wrote her new song “We R Who We R” in the wake of “news that bullying had led to multiple suicides of gay youth”. That’s nice of her, huh? I can’t imagine it could have been easy to write and record the lead single for a super-hyped, major label album in the one month between September (when gay teen suicide started to become a “hot story”) and the October release of “We R Who We R”. Oh wait, maybe that’s because SHE DIDN’T.Read the rest at Vice Magazine: Viceland Today

vicemag:

According to the internet, Kesha (sorry guys, I really can’t bring myself to write it with a dollar sign) wrote her new song “We R Who We R” in the wake of “news that bullying had led to multiple suicides of gay youth”. That’s nice of her, huh? I can’t imagine it could have been easy to write and record the lead single for a super-hyped, major label album in the one month between September (when gay teen suicide started to become a “hot story”) and the October release of “We R Who We R”. Oh wait, maybe that’s because SHE DIDN’T.

Read the rest at Vice Magazine: Viceland Today

This is so good